It’s haunting my senses. I can’t see it but whenever I look at myself in the mirror, it lurks in the surface. I can’t fondle it but it’s shaking my insides, altering the way I feel. I can’t even hear it but when I start to converse with myself, it’s there. How come such words engulfed with clandestine mystery affect my over-all being? Difficult as it may seem, one must have to face the veracity behind these words: low self-esteem.
Dissecting the word self-esteem, “self” refers to oneself while “esteem” means a high regard over something or somebody. Technically if we put the two words together, self-esteem is defined as how you value and think of yourself. Psychologist Carl E. Pickhardt in his article Adolescence and Self-Esteem (2010) described “self-esteem” as a concept that can be visually examined, physically touched, or directly observed. Similar to notions like ‘intelligence' or ‘conscience', self-esteem is an abstract psychological concept made up to describe part of a person's human nature. It's existence and utility is inferred through actions and expressions considered evidence of its presence.
In addition, he cited that there are two major drops of self-esteem during the route to adolescence. The first drop occurs during a person’s early adolescence with ages ranging from 9 to 13. This is when an individual is starting to separate himself/herself from childhood since he/she is trying to be mature and trying to act older.
Around 18 to 23, better known as the culmination of a person’s adolescence, the second drop of self-esteem takes place. This is when an individual is brazen out by the idea of an impending independence where he/she isn’t up for the awaiting challenges in the future. He/she begins to feel so much disappointment. “I’m already 23 but I’m still jobless with no sense of direction.”
Self esteem is crucial and is a keystone of a positive attitude towards a person’s existence. However, if you added the word “low” to “self-esteem” then that certain positivity can be converted to a poor self-image. What is more, low-self esteem brought by adolescence can be a very weakening experience.
With all the uncontrolled frenzied hormones involved during my adolescent years, I consequently experience an overwhelming rollercoaster of emotions. Physical, mental and emotional changes were swallowing me whole. Due to peer pressure, belch of insecurities were sprouting like mushrooms in my head that I have to prove something so that I’d be accepted.
My self-esteem began to downgrade at the age of 11 or what’s supposed to be the puberty stage. What I am most insecure about is my physical appearance. My forehead was infested by pimples at that time and my guy classmates were tagging me as “ricefield”. Understandably, a feeble-hearted girl like me would often run to the comfort room to cry out my misery. I can still remember growing my bangs in order to cover those hideous blemishes. There’s even an instance when I kicked my classmate’s crotch out of anger since he was endlessly teasing me.
However, the incident which brought the most significant changes in my life happened during my freshmen year. Our whole section was having a year-end party at my teacher’s house. It came to a point where we have to hold an open forum. To my surprise, most of my classmates pronounced their hatred towards me. Almost everybody voiced out their undisclosed resentment over me in which they’ve managed to keep over the whole school year. I can clearly remember some of them crying as they were expressing their hatred. “Am I really this bad?” I whispered to myself.
They loathed me for being a “perfectionist” at most times. They hated my guts and how I lead them during group works while showing too much discontent. They hated me for being too bossy, highly-competitive and discriminating. They hated me for my towering standards. By that incident, I ranked second as the “most despised” classmate.
They loathed me for being a “perfectionist” at most times. They hated my guts and how I lead them during group works while showing too much discontent. They hated me for being too bossy, highly-competitive and discriminating. They hated me for my towering standards. By that incident, I ranked second as the “most despised” classmate.
The experience was so traumatic that I vowed to drop my old perfectionist self and start living my life in a shell. Though I had a more harmonious relationship with my classmates, I just felt that I became an entirely different person. My studies were affected since I barely participated in class. My self-esteem downgraded to a very low point that I was transfigured into being an introvert. I’m stressed over everything up to the point of telling myself that I’m worthless. Since then, I have always doubted myself which is still obvious up ‘til now.
Entering UPV is probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Perhaps I am grateful for being surrounded by open-minded individuals who are actually more considerate and mature enough to deal with diverse circumstances. Even though little by little I’m beginning to get my confidence back, I’m still living a life full of pessimism. I still have this constant battle with my insecurities. I’m not confident with my looks. I’m very careful with my words. I’m conscious with my moves. And oftentimes, I’m wearing this don’t-go-near-me sign in my neck. Even my college classmates have noticed these ugly facets on my existence.
Low self-esteem may be a never ending issue to most people yet I am certain that one can restore himself/herself sooner or later. Half of my life, I spent it disliking myself. But I’m still listening to a small voice inside of me that in due time I could eventually overcome this complex. This 2012, I made a list of resolutions, more like goals. What tops in my list is to SMILE more often since it leads me to a more positive outlook in life. Twelve straight days with constant positive reception, I still have 354 days more. In time, that low self-esteem will be replaced with self-confidence, fingers crossed!
P.S. A course log on my Psych 10 course with regard to low self-esteem. :)
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